oh les petites choses | oh the little things

G.I.Joe: Retaliation – Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Adrianne Palicki, and Nonsense. Director: Jon M. Chu

An enigma shrouded in muscles enveloped in plastic.

And this is directly quoted from imdb.com because I honestly don’t know: The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.

Look, I went into this movie ready and willing to “review” (read: judge) it because, come on; it might as well have been titled G.I. Judge Me Without Even Watching Because I’m Obviously Terrible But Watch Me Anyway Because It Will Be Fodder for Your Judgments. So I planned on watching and judging; I really did. But in the end, there is so much about G.I. Joe: Retaliation that is a mystery to me that I’m not sure judgments happened. Therefore, I have no review, just questions.

Specifically:

1.     How did G.I. Joe the first get a sequel?

The first one was terrible—and I’m not even going justify that statement with evidence because I am actually excellent at finding unterrible things about bad movies (see: last week's review) so if I think it’s terrible, it is and that’s all there is to it.

2.     Are red-hot, glowing hands all that stealthy when used at night?

3.     Should you be firing your gun around a nuclear bomb?

I know nothing about the transportation and retrieval of any bomb, be it nuclear or otherwise, but I just feel my general rule would be: don’t shoot bullets inside any building that is also housing a WMD. I’m just spit balling here.

4.     What was the writer’s motivation for killing my reason to watch within the first ten minutes?

Let me rephrase:

5.     Are there people who watch movies for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?

Let me rephrase:

6.     Are you seriously expecting me to follow The Rock around this movie now?

Let me rephrase:

7.     Do the moviemakers think Dwayne Johnson is a more veritable lead than Channing Tatum?

8.     What kind of ninja uses a gun?

Wait! I know the answer to this one: A NON-ja! (hehehe, thanks Speed Racer.)

9.     Was Lady Jaye just as mad about having to use her boobs and upper thigh to collect a DNA sample from the non-president as she was about handing a pen to Bruce Willis?

It’s cool if she wasn’t: the mission is what matters, ya know? You gotta use whatchya got, and what she got is damn fine! Use it, girl. I just wonder if there was a discussion. Maybe that scene is on the DVD extras. And if I could just enquire further, I want to know what LJ would have to say about being basically a side note to Bruce Willis—who is no more than a guest star—and Channing Tatum—who dies before, like, anything happens—on the movie’s poster?

10. Was Flint’s only purpose to give Roadblock and Lady Jaye something other than a literal post to “develop” in front of?

A respectable purpose for any man, but they don’t expect me to believe that a man with the word “block” in his name is actually going to have any developing to do, do they?

11. What was Jinx’s accent?

Just as a side note: take a look at Elodie’s imdb.com page; this lady totally rules!

12. What was the sensei?

13. Were those last two questions unfair and intolerant of G.I. Joe’s attempt to be culturally diverse and break race stereotypes?

I’m sorry.

14. Was that Joseph Gordon-Levitt under the Cobra mask?

That’s what happened at the end of the last one, right? I don’t know. Apparently I have some unanswered questions about that one, too.

15. Was the movie funnier than I thought?

There were a few attempts at hilarity, right? One time I chuckled. Was I meant to appreciate the humour more than I did?

16. Is everybody ok with the fact that the entirety of London was completely obliterated?

Sure, we had to see what Cobra Commander was capable of, but did anyone feel the need to acknowledge the destruction of the Leaky Cauldron and other less famous London landmarks? Oh, and the people. There was a minute of silence for the people, right? Just another scene for the DVD extras, I guess.

17. Why did you not show me Channing Tatum’s dead face if you weren’t going to bring him back in a Deus Ex Machina You Can’t Kill This Hotness, Bitches kinda way?

Let me rephrase:

18. I am mad at you for manipulating me into watching a movie lead by The Rock through, what I feel was, purposely leading me to believe that Channing was alive and would return.

19. Ok this is more of an observation but, you can’t supplement your fisticuffs with guns. You can’t. Guns are too loud. It’s just not plausible to shoot a gun an inch away from a person’s head and then expect the punching and kicking to continue. Not even if you are now, or were at one time, officially called The Rock in real life. And don’t try to tell me otherwise!

20. But, like, seriously where was this scene?

21. And just as a quick follow up, why is Channing’s shirt on in this elusive scene?

22. What would my 14 year-old enquiring mind give this movie?

Remember how smoothly that whole bomb retrieval went; and remember that INSANE ninja fight on the rock face; and remember how great Lady Jaye looked in that red dress? I think she would probably give it a 4/10.

23. What would my 25 year-old enquiring mind give this movie?

Remember the mishmash of scenes some person slapped together and then called a movie? I think she would probably give it a 1/10.

24. Ohmigods! I completely forgot until now (five days after watching the movie, and seven and a half hours after writing started) about that scene where Cobra Commander was broken out of his space suit that was submerged in water nap. What?

Let me rephrase reiterate:

25. What?